“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Found the job I’m suited for
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages