Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??