if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
just make the entire table out of coaster
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab