Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑