Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
There are no pants in heaven.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.