When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”