My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan