[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
What number SPF blocks people?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.