[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.