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You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
What?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL