My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
You Might Also Like
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.