I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
The funk soul brother
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
The three genders.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.