Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
23. the denim jacket
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Investing in beetcoin
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*me flirting
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too