Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
i was baptized in a car wash
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face