So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: