only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Well, this certainly took a turn
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.