Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
peeping toms
Unexpected Judgment
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.