Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
it was love at first sight
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.