I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I’ve had relationships like this
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?