I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾