The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever