My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
mood
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
relationship goals
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me: