*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
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meow
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.