I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic