At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?