I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Optional boss fight.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.