me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
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an octopus is just a wet spider
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes