When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Love this one 😂🧟
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me: