*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
sistine chapel
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Watson was Holmes schooled