When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
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I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Jail
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.