I hate when that happens.
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.