*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
saw this in a dream
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Happy thanksgiving!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen