My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
You Might Also Like
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
my professor scared me for a second
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
and now we wait
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?