The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
There’s never enough good news
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”