[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Mountain Goat : )
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”