Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
New tinder profile pic
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.