Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer