I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
If a snake ate a cake
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.