[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it