This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.