ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.