Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
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Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Phonetics
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.