Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.