According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
You Might Also Like
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Leaving the Barbers like
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”