6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.