I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I feel attacked.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score