Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I get distracted pretty eas
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts