“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Dietest Coke
pictures of spider-man
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.