my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
when mom throws a party…
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.