“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*